Thus Spoke Zebathustra

I can't go back to Bradford, not now!...

It's been an awful day in the life of neurotic l'il me.  I've done no work, like i should have, and my headache has reached epic proportions.  It all started in History of Art class, where i didn't realise that what i thought was next week's reading was actually THIS week's reading. He asked 'the quiet girls' in the corner (4 of us) for our opinion on the text at the end of the class...i for one didn't have one, and just as i was about to explain this, my friend L. piped up with an answer. He looked at her. Then said quietly, 'no'.  As class was now finished, he asked who was doing their talks next week...it's me and L...so he came over to me and asked if i would be OK with my talk...talk about offensive! What am i, some kind of mentally retarded child who doesn't know her arse from her elbow?? The fact that i was quiet in class DOES NOT MEAN THAT I AM STUPID. And, although i'm determined to prove this to him next week, i am really, really hurt by the fact that he could even think that.

Another reason: German. By the time i reached this class, i wanted to cry. And i didn't want to talk to my tutor, as this time i genuinely didn't know the answer...being one of the top students, i felt like i was letting myself down. Didn't want to go to my next class after that, Faust...a great work of art, but tempermental...it made me think of the essay i've to write on it next month and how much i HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING!!!

Finally (i promise), my long distance boy...now, things have been going well for us. We still talk, we're still very much flirty and we're getting to spend some quality time together in Bath in April....the thing is, he's not been texting nearly as much as he usually does...and he's not back at uni until the end of this month...he insists he can't wait to see me, but...how do i know that? Does he really want to be with me? When i go down, we can talk about this, but i don't think i have the heart to hear that he just wants us to be friends...i'm in a bad, bad place with my past romances (who are all now happily hooked up and lovey-dovey...i can't help but think; 'what was wrong with ME? Why didn't he want me? Am i truly unloveable?' etc etc) and with my over-active imagination, rejection will not be easy to stomach. 

See, people often wonder why i am such a pessimist sometimes....believe it or not, i'm genuinely quite a happy person, but when my moods are black they are truly terrible.  But i just tell them that it's easier to be a pessimist...you're not let down that way.

Happy January. xx

posted by: Zeb at 21:53 | link | comments

I flippin' love Amy Winehouse.

posted by: Zeb at 19:33 | link | comments

Things i will never comprehend:

Historiography

The obsession with reality TV

Russell Brand's sense of humour

Men

Immanuel Kant's Critique of Judgement

People who don't like coffee

Dance Music

My selfishness

posted by: Zeb at 19:30 | link | comments

An odd mood follows me about today. I woke up sad, as i cried myself to sleep last night listening to Bob Dylan (whoops, cheer up, girl!!) but was considerably happier knowing that Richard Hammond was on Radio 1. In a good mood by the time i got to art history. Stressed in the library, but quite calm nonetheless, Then positively cheerful in German class where i got an A for my v. hard homework, then depressed 5 minutes later when my best friend confessed she'd taken a guy i was romantically linked with not that long ago to a party on Saturday. I didn't want to be depressed/angry at her for this, after all, the guy is in the past (albeit a month)...but she never told me she was in contact with him, or that she wanted to 'go out' with him (so to speak...i don't mean as boyshape and girlshape!). I think i have the right to be a bit miffed. If i had been in that situation instead of her, i'd have told her beforehand! We even agreed on what a pretentious wanker he is! OK, she confessed she was annoyed at me for getting with him...because she liked him! How was i to know?  She was the one who put us together in the first place! Then i told her i thought he was in actual fact a pretentious arse, and she agreed. End of, so i thought. I couldn't believe she was annoyed at me! A guy coming before our friendship. This is why i'm going to tell her that i'm not happy. The pair of them can do as they please after i have this conversation, but it must be said!! I would never, ever let a man come before my friends, especially not my best friend.  But at least she apologised for getting that way.  I think i'm just in a pissy mood because of my long distance boy. Still no word from him. When i was looking over Caravaggio today i kept wanting to cry, as so many of his paintings depict love's painful sting...such beautiful images! I love getting so moved by art, and a truly great artist will always conjur up the deepest emotions within you. Anyway, that's distracting from my point....i love my best mate to bits, more than any man, and i hope she feels the same way...in fact, before today, i was 100% certain of it. This talk is important in clarifying this, making us hunky dory again,  i feel.

A happier topic: Speaking of hunky dory, i have devised a Halloween costume so good i think it'll surpass even my Madonna with the cone boobs of 2 years ago...am gonna go as David Bowie in the Ziggy Stardust era, ginger mullet et al...the only problem is where to find a purple catsuit in Glasgow....Scottish people are generally far too fat for catsuits, so there's not a huge demand for them!!! (As a Scottish person myself, i'm allowed to say derogatory things about fellow Scots...it's foreigners who aren't allowed!! : D)

Schoenen Abend noch.

XxX

posted by: Zeb at 21:10 | link | comments

The joys of amazon.com....I have just spent yet another large amount of money that i don't have on art books! Still, opening the wrappers when my mail comes is my favourite thing! (Sad, i know!) And to open the wrapper and discover an art book, well, that is just the icing on the cake!

Uni is still stressing me out. Historiography of art essay titles released today, oh dear!!! I'm doing 'What does Vasari mean by artistic progress?' I only signed up for that because all the better questions were taken! Damn it all! I don't really know how to answer that question. Hopefully when i start reading the books, i'll get an idea of what they're wanting!  Still, am going to give it my best shot, because i want to do well. I think i either want to be an art history lecturer or a curator,.not really sure yet, but i want the best mark i can get so that i can have the option of a good career!!! Scary thought to be thinking of that already...don't wanna be a grown up!! : )

Am still bummed out about my boyshape, but i am aware of the fact that we're on opposite sides of the country and there's nothing i can do about it. It's weird, i feel saddened by it, but at the same time, i'm accepting. I can't change it. He can't change it. We're stuck here until our degrees are done, and by then he'll have probably found a proper girlfriend anyway, one way hotter, smarter, closer to home and less weird than me. In short, someone he deserves. I text him earlier today and replied to his Facebook message last week and he's not been in contact. Should i just give up now? Or keep persisting, reminding him that i'm here and i'm his if he wants me? I haven't had the energy to look at any other boy since coming back from down south, but i don't know if that's just tiredness and laziness or my subconscious telling me to hold on to this one. I've been burned in the past by guys who have seemed really into me but who really aren't, and i don't see why he should be any different. He's too good looking not to have any female attention, and if they're not on the other side of the country and they're attractive, why would he say no? I don't mean to be depressing here, i'm just thinking as i type...nothing is official between us, so i don't see why he'd pass up any offers that were thrown his way...

Enough now, must study!

XxX

posted by: Zeb at 20:13 | link | comments

My lovely friend A. has come to me for relationship advice, bless him. He deserves only happiness. I wish i could make him happy again, like he was before. He doesn't need this hassle.

They fuck you up, boys.

posted by: Zeb at 20:12 | link | comments (1)

I just can't escape this horrible feeling. I've tried, believe me i have tried, to ignore it, but i can't. It's always the same. I've kept busy, tried to push the feeling out whenever it hits me...and it sometimes works. I get lost in my art books! But unfortunately i've had too much time to dwell on things lately, and a text from a friend on Friday made me realise just how sucky and real my situation is. Don't get me wrong, i'm not saying 'woe is me'..i know my problems pale in comparison to others'. But it is just that - a problem. A permanent problem, it seems, and it's out of my control. I bonded with someone - a friend of a friend - like i never have done with anyone before...he lives on the other side of the country, in southern England. I don't think we'll get to see each other, as we're both ridiculously busy and have no money. And lo and behold, i am in no way surprised by this. My love life always has that pathetic slant, that 'so near yet so far' touch that is beyond that of others. They just seem to...i dunno, fall in love and everything is peachy. It all seems so easy...i've never had that and it just makes me feel out of place with the rest of the world.

As usual.

But i always thrive on being different.

Sod it, i love being selfish and concentrating on me, me, me. Balls to everyone else.

Have a nice day!

 

posted by: Zeb at 21:00 | link | comments

I'm back. I took a break from this site for reasons unknown. I guess i'm just lazy. So what's been happening, i hear you not asking...well, i'm back in Glasgow and it sucks. I feel like i've regressed somewhat...i'm back in the same house, at the same uni and i'm back doing the same job as before...i am in no way a bigger, better person. I'm still insecure and worried and moody..i don't feel like a new person at all, i feel worn out. I am 20 years of age and i am world-weary. I am terrified of being back at uni, i haven't been there for 18 months. I think i've forgotten how to write essays and make intelligent conversation...the conversation i made in Germany always sounded intelligent to others, as they were just impressed that a British person could speak a foreign language. I was a novelty.  People were impressed by me.  It was a false sense of being...and i loved it. I'm definitely narcissistic and shallow.  Here, i am with others who have had similar experiences to me, and i am no longer special. I hate this, it makes me feel even more insecure and paranoid. What if they're better than me? I made a mistake in German class yesterday and i have never felt so stupid in my life. It was a simple thing, and i forgot how to say it properly. Other people knew words i didn't. This made me simultaneously angry and sad.

Art History is just as terrifying...i have two presentations on Caravaggio to do and i am stumped. I have a sever lack of Caravaggio knowledge. I have stacks of books on him, and i get tired just LOOKING at them!!

Oh, just ignore me, i'm having an off day!!!

Hope you're all well. x

posted by: Zeb at 15:55 | link | comments

Happy new year. It is a bit late, i guess, but better late than never. Went home for Xmas and the new year...a well needed break! Nice to be back ,but i still feel a little lost sometimes. Hell, such is life, eh?

posted by: Zeb at 14:45 | link | comments (1)

Typing for the sake of typing...have nothing to write about except the fact i am now on a hunt for a Reservoir Dogs DVD. I can't find one anywhere here. I woke up this morning with the urge to watch it, and i only have it on tape at home. It's old. I bought 'Love Actually' (or rather,'Tätsachliche Liebe'), but in no way does that compensate at all.

A French man is shouting at his loverrrrr down the phone here. I can here her voice screaming back from across the room...the French, they're so tempermental. Mais Je l'aime! Besser als die Deutsche!

bis bald XxX

posted by: Zeb at 12:11 | link | comments